Pokèmon Jaune-er
by IWEYC
Summary: He becomes a pokèmon master bro! (Disclaimer: Do not take this seriously. This is only a collection of shorts that have no relevance to eachother; basically speaking, it's random words bunched together to get myself out of writers block.)
1. Chapter 1

If anything, it was just the fact that he had a bunch of Pidgeys chasing after him that actually sparked something within him. Not the fact that Nora just ate the whole new supply of pancakes that the school just ordered - which honestly, isn't surpirsing

Not the fact that he found out Blake was secretly a cat...because she liked fish all too much.

Hey!

He might've been oblivious, but even he could see details that were well hidden.

And he just called himself oblivious...

Great.

As if he didn't insult him enough every single day.

Point is, he only got surpised when he found a bunch of his old childhood memories rushing at him in a flurry of feathers and loud squawking noises.

He'd also been pecked a lot.

Not that kind of peck!

The one that actually hurts.

So, he found himself running at a Ruby-like pace away from a giant flock of birds - and while this would probably be any kids dream...okay, it was his dream too.

In truth, he was running to find something to catch them with, pokèballs would be nice, ultra balls would be even better since he didn't have anything on him.

Now he just had to think how the hell he would find something like that.

Think, Jaune, think.

Oh!

Cardin probably has some!

(With the burd)

"Cardin! Can I have a pokèball?" he called out to said burd.

The hunk of a man took one look at him and nodded sagely, before biting his lip and forcing one out of his butt.

"Bye-bye-go-go!" he yelled as he sprinted off.

He stared off into the narrow hall, "I think he's from 'noda country."

(Going back to real burds.)

He jumped back out into the open, making himself vulnerable to the burds around him, "A traina' Numba' Juan me!" he yelled as he threw his one ball into the large crowd.

...

...

...

He heard something click, and shouted incoherently as he rushed into the flock of burds, shielding his eyes from the sharp objects attached to the burds' heads and feet.

"Go...uh...buttsex!" he yelled as he threw the pokèball out.

"AUAHAHDIDKDNEHH" it cried as it flew into a tree.

"You did good buttsex! Now return! You deserve a nice long rest!" he picked his nose and scratched his butt.

"Heh!" someone smirked as he crashed into the mountain that just so happened to be in the way.

"I GOT A POKÈMON TO MAKE UP FOR MY LACK OF PARENTAL AFFECTION!" he shouted as he let out a magikarp.

"EXPLOSION!" 

He heard a loud boom echo across the bathroom stall, and looked under the wall to see someone constipated, forcing a rock out while trying to catch an Abra.

"SAVE MY FAMILY!" someone commanded.

"Okay!" he yelled back, getting up and stretching out a bit.

He threw his pokéball at the mirror and sent out Pidgey.

"JEJDJSMSMDJIDJD." it cried as it got pierced through the heart by a glass shard.

"Good job Buttsex! Now we can face the pokèmon league!" Jaune stated defiantly.

(At the pokèmon team rocket place."

"I CHALLENGE YOU LANCE!" Jaune said as he threw the Pidgey at his face, causing him to die of blunt force trauma.

"I won!" he cheered.

He saw Pidgey leap out of it's pokèball and faint because it stood too hard.

"You did awesome!"

And then the Pidgey ate a rare candy and evolved into magikarp, and Jaune became Yang's uncle.

AN:

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I'm sorry, I just needed a way to get myself out of writer's block, and this suddenly made me motivated to write.


	2. Chapter 2

Hoenn time!" he cheered.

His pidgey squaked and stole a full restore from rich boy Winston. The pidgey then couldn't fly because the wind blew at .001 miles per hour. It fell and got puncutred by a branch.

"Amazing! I've never seen a pokèmon so powerful!" Cynthia exclaimed, dropping her icecream on her Garchomp and falling on her face.

"Where's my PEEKO!?" an old man asked.

"I'll help you old dude!" Jaune announced.

"WROOOOOOOAAAAARRRRR PEEEEEEEKOOOOOOOO." he cried as he poked himself in the balls, making a hole through them.

"Hi Jaune!" Ruby called out waving.

He smiled and scratched his butt, "HELLOOOO!"

"Eat my expenensive poop!" Weiss yelled throwing a dust vial at herself, making her faint.

"Heh." someone smirked, "YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE THE BEST TRAINER EVER! BUT YOU HAVE TO DEFEAT THE POWER OF MY AWESOME RATATATATATATTA!"

"Noooooo." Jaune screamed, until Pidgey came back alive and pooped on the rat. It fainted - as did Pidgey because it used to much effort.

"PUT ME ON YOUR POKENAV!"

He threw his cellphone at the boy's balls, and crushed them.

"OMG RAYQUAZA, LIKE, OMG!" Blake cried as she walked away from the group.

He threw Pidgeys dead body at Rayquaza's spike and it fainted due to being traumatized by Jaune's middle finger. Pidgey also got pierced through it's mouth.

"YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO WIN!" Whitney cried as she flailed her arms around the air.

"I'M A BURD!" Cardin yelled as he tore his butt off and threw it at a wild Ho-Oh.

Russel became sober from the smallest hangover ever, and then tore his hair out. He used it to pierce his own butt.

"WHERE'S THE DUNSPARCE!?" Yang asked, falling on the back of her head and becoming a chicken nugget.

Jaune put his pinkie in his ear and pulled out a Bidoof.

"OMG I CATCH IT!" he yelled, throwing his arm at it. It beeped and he picked back up his arm, putting it on his head as a horn.

"A UNICORN MOMMY!" Pyrhha exclaimed as she pulled a woman towards Jaune.

He tore one of his buttcheeks off and used it as a rocket thruster.

He flew into Vacuou and became Weiss's sister.

* * *

Ur mom's authors notes:This has no relevance to anything in the world that's ever happened...ever. This is only a way to get out of writer's block and make me laugh.


	3. Chapter 3

Johto Time!"

He looked at the sky, choking his dead Pidgey while he watched his Bidoof drown in water.

"Today's a fun day!" he announced to himself.

Bidoof's teeth fell out and somehow, someway, pierced him in the nuts. He picked his nose as he felt his ball practically get drilled through by a beaver's teeth. With his snor, he forced it into Pidgey mouth and fed it, which in turn, made it come back to life.

It died though because the got stabbed through the neck by a piece of grass.

"Jaune, time to eat young man!" Yang called out.

"But-but, your not my mommy!" he cried.

"You're not my father but I'll still call you daddy."

He stared.

She stared back.

...

...

...

"Little me this is serious." he muttered to the growing bulge.

"Now go eat or I'll kill your Pidgey." she commanded.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed, watching as Pidgey frolicked around the meadows, dying by grass and reviving every five seconds or so.

"Bidoof use roar of time!" he cried, pointing his middle finger full of snot towards Yang.

Bidoof looked at Jaune for all but a second, before farting out a scroll and playing some music from their playlist - specifically a popular song called roar of time.

"NOOOO!" she whined, running backwards while kicking herself in the butt.

A snorlax flopped onto her, squashing her like a bug as it ate some spare Slowpoke tails. Jaune tore his nose off and threw it, succesfully catching the huge monstrosity.

"Yay!" he cheered, scratching his butt and spinning around, flying.

He flew off into the sunset, actually became Yang's father, and then threw a pillow into a lake, catching a Gyrados

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End file.
